It’s always so incredibly hard for me to return to Vegas from a vacation, let alone an amazing weekend filled with unicorns, new friends, half-naked Poison Ivys, Tim Rozon kissing Michael Eklund, and really crappy cheeseburgers.
The wheels lifted off the tarmac in Atlanta and I couldn’t stop the waterworks. My heart was so heavy and it wasn’t because I said goodbye again to some really great friends (or maybe it had a little something to do with it), but because there was a huge part of me that knew what leaving meant; reality.
I spent three weeks traveling across Europe last year. All of the things that I learned about myself on that trip; the patience I knew I needed but never had, the humility I often forgot, the courage I knew I had but couldn’t find; I was terrified I would lose once I returned home. It was a genuine fear that I had because I knew that comfort and familiarity can often breed stagnation.
And that’s what it did.
I find that I’m at a very odd and confusing place in my life, one that I thought I had gotten out of when I finally came out. But here I am, again.
This time however, I’m not so much struggling with an identity but a comfort that I often crave, desire, and yearn for; home.
When I travel to unfamiliar places I feel like I have this freedom to breathe more easily and to exist in my skin the way that I see myself when I dance in the mirror with my toothbrush microphone. I know that girl. She begs to come out and party but she doesn’t always feel comfortable to do so.
I have a group of friends that I love to travel with when I’m able to. They get me. They get my neediness. They allow me to be exactly as I am. I’m not saying that the other loves in my life don’t do that as well, lord knows I am who I am today because of their love. But with this group, there is something deeper that I can’t explain. It’s a feeling of undeniable comfort that breaks my heart every time we have to say goodbye.
Much like the central theme to Wynonna Earp, life is about choices; those that life makes for us and those that we make for ourselves.
Spending this past weekend at Dragon Con, meeting amazing human beings, gaining new friends, hearing stories of bravery and honesty, has been the most uplifting experience.
I think it’s rare thing, what the cast of Wynonna Earp has done and how it has connected not only the fans, but the cast and crew and everyone behind it. They genuinely care for the fans and love is given in all forms, from all sides. It feels like a giant, chaotic, shit show of a family, but it’s our shit show. They have our back and we have theirs.
Dominique told us about her first night in Atlanta, how she took herself to an underground cafe and how she’s at a place in her life where she’s finally starting to realize who she is. I also asked her for suggestions to off-the-wall places in London that tourists wouldn’t usually visit, and what she described to me was “completely sketchy, but that’s my sort of thing.” To not be afraid to travel and explore places solo, and just being open and honest without being ashamed about it, is exactly the person that I wish to be. I aspire to be the UNICORN of Unicorns.
Like in Divergent, when Four says “I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest.” That’s who I want to be. This cast, these amazingly kindhearted humans, inspire me to be that person. I’m beyond grateful to have a safe-haven, a place where I can go and feel like I belong and be inspired to be a better human. You can put the extra cheesiness on your pizza (minus the mushrooms, though. Kat said no mushrooms).
Coming home means fighting the vortex that is complacency, that is accepting our limits instead of pushing them. It means finding the courage to break our barriers, fall in love with our flaws, and to not be afraid to try and fail so that someday we can succeed.
I don’t know what I want for my life, where I want it to end up, but I know that I want it to matter. How will it matter? I suppose there is only one way to find out.
Make your peace.
“You can choose who you want to be versus who people tell you you are.” -Emily Andras, Mother of Unicorns.